"Your mom's crying downstairs."
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The apartment was completely quiet except and then the door slammed. A few moments later, my wife Courtney texted me, "Hey, your mom's crying downstairs." Mama Sofia was in tears, speaking rapidly in Spanish. She was saying she does so much for our family and never asks for a thing... It was the residual fallout of a tense discussion we just had about finances. For the last 30 years, I've been the one to help my mom out financially. I bought her a car, I help with bills, and she helps us tremendously with Jagger. I'm incredibly grateful for her. But earlier that day, she asked me for money for a move. I agreed to help, but then I asked a simple question about my two sisters. "Hey, what about Laiza and Celeste? Are they willing to help with the cost of the move?" That question set off a cascade of emotions. She got mad at me for having the nerve to ask what I thought was a fair question. In the past, I might've apologized just to keep the peace. But something different happened this time. I didn't apologize because I felt I was right. It really was a fair question. Instead, I hugged her. As I held her, I felt that familiar feeling of being the parent again, something I've felt since I was seven years old. I took a deep breath and zoomed out. I realized she was caught in a Permanent Redline. Just like a lot of us, she thought she was just handling life, but her emotional foot was glued to the gas pedal. She's been going through a highly stressful situation with a roommate and moving locations. The stress just poured out of her in that moment. The reason I'm sharing this with you is because of what happens when your cup is completely overrun. When you're running a high-performance life on an empty battery, the smallest hiccup doesn't just feel like a hassle. It feels like a five-alarm fire. When I looked back on my argument with my mom, I realized my pacing was abrupt and my tone sounded offensive. If my delivery had been better, the situation would have been entirely different. But I couldn't see my own stress... I was acting like a 'Ghost Parent' (physically in the room, but completely drained and absent in every way that mattered). I was falling right into the 'Scraps Economy.' That's when you give your best energy to a client at 2:00 PM, and leave only your exhausted leftovers for your family at 6:00 PM. Since life is episodic, I'll get a chance to try again and make amends. My personal growth has made my relationship with my mom stronger than ever... Sometimes you need to step back and look at the water you're swimming in. Recognize the hidden stress before you burn out your engine and give your family the scraps.
P.S. Courtney still hasn't done an episode of Forensic Tales on me yet, so I consider surviving this family argument a major win. |